I never expected this to happen
I have been blown away by the journey I have been on! I was hospitalized 3 days before my 52nd birthday due to blood loss. It was unexpected and drastic. I was confused as I have been athletic all my life and only go to the doctor for physicals or whatever is required. I’m not sure anyone can prepare you for getting a stage 4 cancer diagnosis let alone going through chemo. Being bald or shaving my head was not in my plan. The weekly treatments were not as bad as I made up in my head however it did cause my hair to fall out in clumps. At first it was gradual and I thought, “this is not at ALL like the movies.” Pretty soon though it was like what I had seen portrayed in a movie. Big massive clumps I would pull out all day long. It felt like straw and sometimes I could feel burning on my scalp after all chemo is acid.
I could feel burning on my scalp
I ended up house sitting on a farm for one of my sister’s friends. It was exactly what I needed at the time without really knowing I did. The change in scenery was really good! Being surrounded by trees, beautiful weather and farm with animals was so amazing. As I sat on the deck, drinking a cup of tea watching the trees dance I started to think about my hair. I began to realize my hair has been with me 52 years! That is a very long time to have something.
I knew it was time to let go
What I realized is my attachment to hair. What will I look like? Will I wear a wig and what will that be like. Will other people think it’s weird? One thing I have counseled others on is the process of letting go. In order to let go one thing I prescribe is writing a letter to the person or “thing,” you struggle to let go of. So I decided it was my turn to write a write a letter to my hair. I had some sadness and it made the cancer feel more real and that there is something really wrong with my and my body. It made me feel weak and fragile.
The journey from hearing I had cancer has been all about learning to heal my whole self
I wrote a letter to my hair it was a very powerful experience allowing myself to feel the loss and also the magic in letting go of it. My journey has been all about healing my WHOLE self and hair was part of that. I decided to make it a positive experience versus a negative one or stay stuck in fear. I wrote my letter in the sunshine, and I began to let it out which helped me let it go. I cried and I smiled. It was an experience that was led by the divine. I hope you enjoy my letter as much as I do. I encourage you to write one what every you are going through. May you have a profound experience of letting go.
